• harveyvickie

No Fool Like an Old Fool

I’d spent all my life helping others, being a builder, I’d been very handy for some of my canny neighbours. ‘Bill, could you just have a look at this mate, Hi Bill got a bit of a problem with my plumbing, could you have a quick look?’

I’d spend hours at other people’s houses just for a couple of pints down the club.

But today all that changed, today I took early retirement, no more favours, no more good deeds, just me, the TV, and the Racing Post.

So, Day one, I’m sat there with my feet up when the phone rings:

“Morning Bill, Ken here, I’ve got a problem with the sewerage, wondered if you’d pop along and take a look, Usual terms.”

“Sorry Kenny, I’ve retired, I can give you a recommendation though.”

The phone went dead. I returned to the 2.30 at Kempton and the Pepperoni pizza that was still warm. I’d just finished the first slice when the text message came through:

‘Hi Bill, I know you’re probably busy, but my window has jammed, I was wondering, could you pop around with your tools.’

It was grabbing George, he had conned me for years to get all his jobs done, I texted back.

‘Sorry George, done my back in rodding Kens drains, I’m going to be laid up for weeks.’

The next day my phone rang again, but I didn’t recognise the number or the voice,

“Hello, is that Bill?”

“Yes, speaking.”

“I’m so sorry to bother you but I’ve just moved into Hemming street, I was given your number by a friend, I’m desperate to get my washing machine plumbed in.”

“Can’t your husband do it?”

“I got rid of that waste of space, hence the move, I’ve got a brother, but he’s useless. I really am desperate Bill; I’ll make it worth your while.”

I was a sucker for a damsel in distress, within minutes I was at her door, tools in hand.

I was taken aback by the stunning blonde that greeted me.

“Hello, you must be Bill. I’m Barbara, come on in.

She held my interest for the whole hour we sat and chatted over coffee, she told me how her husband had expected her to wait on him hand and foot, when she’d moved in with her brother he was no better.

“I know how you feel,” I replied, “I have friends like that.”


I was under the sink making the connections when I heard a familiar voice.

“Hello Sis, settling in?,”

I stayed beneath the sink, another familiar voice.

“Didn’t take you long did it. Who’s this”

I pulled myself out to be greeted by Ken and George.

“What are you doing in my sister’s house, I thought you’d retired?”

“How do you know my ex, I thought you’d hurt your back?”

Barbara interjected, “Meet my new handyman boys.”

I saw my retirement plans disappearing before my eyes and thought, ‘there’s no fool like an old smitten fool!

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